> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://absurdia.xyz/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Bacon, borders, and the art of Absurdia. - URL: https://absurdia.xyz/bacons-delicious/ - Published: 2026-08-10T22:05:09.000Z - Updated: 2026-08-29T21:58:39.000Z - Description: Let slip the pigs of war! - Author: Mack Simpson - Tags: History If I told you ahead of time (and I suppose I am), this next absurdity dealt with securing national borders and ever-deteriorating relations with Canada, you'd probably think something like, *"Yeah, no, bro. Already have plenty of that. Thanks, tho."* Yeah. Me, too. But what if I told you it involved a *war* nearly starting over a *dead pig?* *Gotcha.* Even in the 1850s, the Oregon Territory (today's Oregon and Washington states) wasn't known for having an unusual hostility toward pigs, but it *was* known for having *gold.* Long-haired prospectors who hadn't fared well in California made the easy-ish, hot-diggity hop, skip, and jump north, right up the coast, in a [rush](https://www.oregonhistoryproject.org/narratives/as-long-as-the-world-goes-on-the-land-and-people-of-southwest-oregon/new-names-on-the-land/gold/?ref=absurdia.xyz) where, odds were, they *also* didn't fare very well, once again. Fortunately, even though they hadn't struck it rich, they had the Donation Land Claim Act to help them out of their jam. It essentially gave away free land to folks who decided to settle down and sink roots. By "folks," I mean *white people*, of course, and maybe a *"half-breed Indian"* or two. But that's it. Really. (Seriously; it was written into law.) Being Oregon, though, it *was* one of the first laws to give *women* **50%** of their spouse's land [rights](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donation%5FLand%5FClaim%5FAct?ref=absurdia.xyz). So *very* *progressive*. Several dry-claim miners took up the offer, and a few of them used the Act to stake-out land on [San Juan Island](https://www.visitsanjuans.com/san-juan-island?ref=absurdia.xyz), where they thought they'd try their luck growing potatoes (which feels like a natural career progression, somehow). But, it turned out, someone was already there. No, not Indigenous peoples, silly; we were *well* on our way toward literally eradicating *that* problem. No, this was *worse.* These were *Irish.* Specifically, they were Irish who'd been brought in to work on a large sheep farm owned by the *Hudson Bay Company*, Great Britain's Canadian cousin to its *East India Company*. In the decade prior, the U.S. and U.K. had put their heads together and hammered out the [Oregon Treaty](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oregon%5FTreaty?ref=absurdia.xyz), which settled, *once and for all*, the border between the two nations. Sort of. I mean, there's *supposed* to be a *little* ambiguity built into laws and treaties, right? And there was. Ambiguity. A water-channel. Or, more precisely, two channels. The treaty said the border was to pass through "the middle of a channel," so choosing *one* channel would make San Juan *British*, while choosing the *other* would make the island *American*. Which was it? Strangely, the treaty never grew a mouth and told us, but you'd better believe capitalism filled the vacuum with a *whooshing* sound. Hudson Bay moved in with sheep and Irish (probably in that historical order), and then so did the American potato farmers. As it turned out, though, the Irish had not only come with sheep, they'd also arrived with pigs, and pigs *love* potatoes. One day in 1859, Lyman Cutlar, an American potato farmer on San Juan, walked out on to [his front porch](https://www.nps.gov/places/lyman-cutlar-homestead.htm?ref=absurdia.xyz) to find a large, black pig standing in his potato patch, doing what pigs do... for like the four-hundredth time. I'm saying the pig had priors. Was a well-known felon. So Lyman shoots the pig. To his credit, he regretted it almost immediately and offered his Irish neighbor $10 for the loss. The neighbor? He demanded a *Benjamin* (which is ironic, since those wouldn't be printed until 1914). That's the difference, in 2025 Dollars, between a *$360* offer and a *$3,600* counter-demand. (It'll seem even worse when we look back using 2026 Dollars, later.) Things turned into a predictable shouting match, and the British threatened to arrest the pig-killer. Lyman, and his potato-growing buddies, appealed to the U.S. Army for American military protection. And *of course* they got it. An American General renowned for his brutality, William Harney (known as *"*[*The Bear*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William%5FS.%5FHarney?ref=absurdia.xyz)*,"* and not because of foreknowledge of the excellent *Hulu/FX* series), had been looking to pick a fight with the British for *months*, so he sent 66 soldiers off to San Juan Island under the command of a young captain named [George Pickett](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George%5FPickett?ref=absurdia.xyz). Pickett was to become known for his **total* love* *of multiculturalism*, so much so he sent his troops out to be utterly annihilated in battle a few years later, marching off to their deaths on the losers' side of America's Civil War. So the choice of command made some sense. Britain responded (because Britain always responds) by sending three warships and over two thousand men. *Two thousand men. Seventy cannons*. All pointed at a *potato farm.* Because of a *pig.* (And ambiguity.) The joint, fully-armed, [military stare-down](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig%5FWar%5F%281859%29?ref=absurdia.xyz) lasted *twelve long years*, at the end of which everyone had forgotten the pig entirely, and a German kaiser was asked to arbitrate the border dispute, eventually giving the island to the Americans. Total human casualties: zero. Total pig casualties: one. Total *Absurdia*: infinite. So I ask, what is it with borders, Canada, and pigs? "History," as Twain wrote, "doesn't repeat itself, but it *rhymes*." ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/2e/f4/2ef499d4-e94b-4b36-987c-da9be1bf2b17/content/images/2026/08/M-smallsig-5.png)